I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
