you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
