I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
