my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We left an ass print on the piano.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
