Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
