omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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