Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
