I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
