i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
handjob tips. give me some.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
