i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
