My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
