new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
