Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
