his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
