The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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