You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
