I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
