All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
