just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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