My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
