I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
