I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
