I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
