I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
