I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
