i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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