Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
