plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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