if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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