Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
