I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
