i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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