Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm having to shit out rocks
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
