Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
