I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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