my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
