you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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