I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize