we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
