He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
