there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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