While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
