I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
