I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
