I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
