i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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