woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
