hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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