i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
