If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
