Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
