Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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