I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Randomize
