DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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