FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
